I was driving in to work and a commercial came on that was speaking of “Art Dickies”. Art Dickies? What in the world? I continued to listen and “instant cold wraps” and “effective relief from pain and swelling” were mentioned. Oh. I get it! They’re saying “Arctic Ease”!

Well, that had me thinking about mishearing. I’d always misheard, but it’s happening more these days.

I immediately thought of song lyrics. The easily misheard would include:

Queen—(We Will Rock You):
Nope: “Kicking your cat all over the place.”
Yep: “Kicking your can all over the place.”
(Queen may have been haters of animal abuse!)

Jimi Hendrix—(Purple Haze):
Awkward: “Excuse me while I kiss this guy.”
Correct but even more awkward: “Excuse me while I kiss the sky”
(It makes sense: Who kisses the entire sky?)

The Beatles—(A Day In The Life):
Nope: “I read the news today, old boy”
Yep: “I read the news today, oh boy”
(I can see this. “Old boy” sounds British, right?)

The Rolling Stones— (I Can’t Get No Satisfaction):
Me: “I can’t get no – girl reaction”
The Stones: “I can’t get no – girlie action”
(I was too young to understand what “girlie action” meant.)

These are just plain crazy:

The Who—(Who Are You?)
Sandy’s version: “Blue awning, hoo-hoo, hoo-hooo; Bluuue Awning, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo…”
The Who’s version: “Who are you? Who, who, who, who?”
(Picture Sandy with her eyes closed and strumming an air guitar.)

The Beatles—(Across The Universe):
Perfectly reasonable: “Jackaroo Day, Oh”
The actual Gibberish: “Jai Guru Deva OM”
(Am I the only one who doesn’t understand Sanskrit?)

ELO—(Don’t Bring Me Down):
Understandable but wrong: “Don’t bring me down, Bruce!”
Really, but – What?: “Don’t bring me down, gruß!”
(This puts karaoke singers in a daze.)

The Beatles—(Michelle)
Wrong: “Michelle my bell, some day monkey play piano song, play piano song.”
Right: “Michelle, ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble…”
(Only a karaoke boss or Jacques Cousteau could sing this one.)

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band—(Blinded by the Light)
Wrong on so many levels: “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche when you’re rollin’ in the night”.
Shazam: “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce; Another runner in the night.”
(There’s nothing wrong with my hearing…everyone hears the wrong version, right?)

Dan Seals (England Dan)—(I’d Really Love to See You Tonight)
Funny: “I’m not talkin’ ’bout the linens”
Sane: “I’m not talking ’bout moving in”…”
(Too cute for me to change what I hear any time soon.)

Queen—(Bohemian Rhapsody)
Way off: “Saving his life from this warm sausage tea”
Accurate: “Spare him his life from this monstrosity”
(But I clearly heard the words “Scaramouche” and “Fandango”… go figure!)

Then there are the misheard translations from those who have learned/are learning English as a second language. Most of my relatives fit in this category. My mother referred to “roast beef” as “roast beast”. I only tried to correct her for a very short time because I grew fond of this amusing reference. My father would reverse words. We frequented Farmer Jack, a supermarket chain in Detroit. Dad referred to it as “Jack Farmer”. Again, we didn’t bother correcting him, as it just made him more charming.

Once on a visit to our home, my Uncle Pete had his first experience with that southern nuisance, the chigger. He said he had never heard of “gigolos”. Dear Uncle Pete also called earmuffs, “ear muffins”.

I also remember our Grandma Peltz used to say: “”two peas in a pot”. (hee-hee).

The Ukrainian, Dmitri, a contestant on Project Runway, referred to a “one-trick pony” as a “one-way monkey.” Again, funny and charming.

With the prominence of New Jerseyans on television, it’s no wonder subtitles aren’t incorporated for the rest of us to understand the malapropisms, mixed metaphors and odd grammar that’s used.

Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey says things like, “that’s the way the ball drops.” (Or, does a ball bounce?) She also slaughters words by saying “ingredientses, stanima, and semolina (salmonella).

Sopranos writers inserted humorous abuse of the English language during a very serious plot through one of the most famous New Jerseyan characters, Tony Soprano:

“I was prostate with grief…” or “Alright, sure. Go ahead. I’m a little miffled, but yeah.”

And then there’s Joey Tribbiani from Queens (a mere 2 ½ hours from New Jersey), who would use “moo point”.

Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, “does he like you?” All right? Because if he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point.

Rachel: Huh. A moo point?

Joey: Yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.

I haven’t forgotten other celebrities like Norm Crosby, Archie Bunker, and George W. Bush who massacred the English language. I’m just running long on this post.

It didn’t take long for Sandy to provide examples when I asked her to think on my topic. Within a few days, a friend, Laverne, paid her a visit and said, “I need you to write a letter to the IRA and ask them to forgive my Dad.” Sandy thought, IRA?? Wasn’t her dad Jewish? How could he be involved in Ireland’s battle of Catholic versus Protestant? Well, Laverne really wanted the IRS to forgive her debt.

Within a day or two, Sandy said that her “almost sister-in-law, Mary Kay had a break-in where some sentimental items were stolen. Mary Kay proceeded to call her niece, Tracey, to ask her to accompany her to some local pawnshops. Rather than an answer from her niece, there was dead silence. Mary Kay explained that the police suggested these visits to the pawnshops to find some of the stolen items. Tracey burst out laughing because she heard her aunt asking her to accompany her to some “porn” shops.

There’s also “You’ve got another thing coming.” I’ve always said this and just found out it’s, “You’ve got another think coming”. Apparently this error is so egregious the Donald said, “I’d fire an employee who said, “think” for “thing” and then have them killed once they left my building.”

All this is to say it IS easy to get your wires crossed now and then, especially as we get older. You know you’ve had them. What are your strangest or funniest “mis-hearings”?