I have a confession to make. I really don’t like my best friend’s husband. I don’t like my other girlfriend’s friend. I don’t like one of my in-laws. And they don’t know it.

I’m not a grump. Honestly. I generally get along with people. I’m patient, tolerant and mostly positive. But these people are abrasive, loud and opinionated. Some of them are aggressive. Their morals, humour and views clash with mine. I find them rude and, in some cases, obnoxious.

What should I do? This has been going on for years and it’s a dilemma I’ve never resolved.

I know that most of you are thinking that I should just avoid them. That’s not always easy. Here is one example.

For years, Mary and I have been attending the annual Rummage Sale in (we’ll just say) Peducah. We make a day of it. We get up early and stop at McDonald’s for coffee and oatmeal. We drive for hours, chatting all the way. We tell secrets and pour out our worries and release things that have been bottled up for months. We stop along the way and lunch and shop for treasures. We stop at thrift stores and yard sales. We rummage. We buy. We enjoy dinner at a favourite restaurant and talk some more. I’ve always looked forward to it.

Three years ago, I woke up and got ready. I was excited, so hurried to get dressed and ran out of the house. Mary always drives and was in front of the house, waiting. Then I noticed Clara, sitting in the passenger seat.

I had met Clara a few times but we just didn’t click. I never really understood why Mary liked her so much. But, I thought, oh well! It was too good a day to let it bother me – until we got to McDonald’s.

When we pulled up to the speaker box in the drive through, Clara leaned all the way across Mary and started screaming into the box: “HELL-OOOOOOOOOO! HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO! Lazy people should JUST do their jobs! HELLLLLOOOOOOOO! IS ANYONE THERE?” This was after being at the speaker box for exactly 4 seconds. For the first time, I didn’t get my “ritual” oatmeal and coffee. I didn’t get anything. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for someone spitting in my food and I knew, after Mary’s rude behavior, that was exactly what would happen. The day went downhill after that.

The annual Peducah Rummage Sale is run by the senior members of the community. It’s a charitable event to raise money for different causes. I’ve always enjoyed the conversation with the members as much as the rummaging and buying. At least, I did until this trip. I couldn’t help but hear (as did everyone in the building) Clara’s comments bouncing off the walls: “Are you KIDDING me? That crap’s not even worth a dollar let alone 4!” (Referring to the hand crocheted tablecloth that one member made and donated). “You people are shysters!” and “WHO BUYS THIS JUNK? YOU SHOULD JUST THROW IT OUT!”

I’m sure you get the picture so I won’t go on to describe the incident at the gas station, her treatment of our server at dinner and the overwhelmingly negative ramblings in the car the entire way there and back.

Clara was in the passenger seat the next year and the next. A day that used to get me excited now fills me with dread. It occurred to me (for just a second) that maybe Clara dreaded seeing me as much as I dreaded seeing her. I mean, I know that I’m not like Mary’s other friends, but I’m funny and intelligent and experienced, so it can’t be ME that causes people strife, right? Right.

So, what do you do when you can barely tolerate a friend of a friend? (Or their child, spouse or partner, an in-law or a family member)? I’ve tried everything I can think of with no success.

• Most of the obnoxious people I have met are too self-absorbed to get subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints.
• I won’t come right out and tell my friend that I can’t tolerate someone she loves. That would only hurt her and our relationship.
• I am NOT willing to give up my time with her. I love Mary, need her, and want to continue spending time with her.
• Although, admittedly, Clara does sometimes make me laugh, I don’t think that I want to waste any of my precious time with someone I can’t tolerate.

What do I do? I don’t think that doing nothing is an option, either. A group of us have been making vacation plans for the summer. We’ve been planning a 2-week cruise. We’ve even picked our destination and dates and most of us have gathered the down payment.

Mary called yesterday with good news: Clara will be joining us.

Do you have someone you have to spend time with that you can’t tolerate? What do you do? We’d love suggestions!