When my children were born over 30 years ago, I had visions of what I wanted their lives to be: Perfect!
I would protect them from pain, drama, sadness, even death. I would raise them to be kind, giving, loving, intelligent, wise people that were psychiatrists, mechanics, priests, doctors, accountants, teachers and handymen all rolled into one. They would have all the answers and be totally happy and content.
Then life happened.
It raises the question: if your adult children’s lives did not turn out the way you planned, is it your fault?
I can’t imagine that any good, normal parent wishes for their child to grow up and be unhealthy, addicted to drugs or alcohol, unemployed, divorced, alone, unhappy or suicidal, rude, angry or self-centered. Yet thousands are.
Sometimes, I’m wracked with guilt. At night, when I can’t sleep, I think about every conversation, every thing that happened in their lives. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done more of, better, just differently, so that my children’s lives would be easier now.
Over 8 years ago, my son started a long, ugly, horrible divorce. He still has to deal with arguments, anxiety and courts. We fully expect the unpleasantness to continue until my grandson is 18 years old (which is an additional 7 years of this crap!) A 10-year marriage (which was even uglier then the divorce) left him with trust issues, financial problems and health issues.
My husband and I didn’t approve of his choice and let him know. He opted to “run away” and get married, (I always believed it was because he knew we would talk him out of it). Maybe I could have said more to him to prevent the ill-fated marriage? Maybe I should have said less? During the marriage, I could have interfered more…. Made him SEE the things that were going on while he was at work. If I had convinced them to move to another state, would the result have been different?
Just over a year ago, my sweet daughter was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My heart breaks when I think it may have been hereditary (of course, from MY side of the family). When she voiced complaints earlier in life, should I have taken her to different doctors? Forced them to run tests? Should I have recognized symptoms that I attributed to growing pains or being overly concerned, paranoid or over-dramatic?
We can make ourselves crazy thinking about the actions we took and the choices we made. Or we can realize that we did OK.
In saner moments, I realize that my children are perfect even if their lives are not. I am proud of them and who they became. I am proud of both my two and each and every nephew and niece. I consider them to be my friends and enjoy spending time with them. I genuinely like them! So, maybe there isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Maybe we did OK. Maybe, instead of thinking of the hardships they must endure, we can focus on the good things in their lives. That bad marriage my son was in? It produced the greatest, most awesome grandson that ever was! My son is now in a relationship with a great woman who is good for him and to him. My daughter handled her diagnosis a lot better then I did. She told me she wasn’t angry with God. She was grateful that it wasn’t a lot worse (which she assured me, it could have been). So, when I stop and think about it, my children are level-headed, hard woking, good, loving people.
So maybe their lives didn’t go the way I had planned. But I don’t think my life went the way my mother planned, either. It did, however, go the way I planned.
Perfect Ending! 🙂
🙂 thank you! but you may have to remind me every now and then!
yes our son too went thru a div, it’s never easy, I have a large, no HUGE extended family that only a had a few, (less than 5) divorces, so this was indeed a some new to my family.and yes we got the most awesome grand-daughter ever. And yes I wanted my son’s life to be perfect, and I guess it has been perfect for him, new wife additional grand children, I like to tell people we have 1 grandchild by blood & 3 by love. I so enjoy your insight & thanks for sharing
oh that is so awesome “by blood and by love”. thank you for sharing!
My son had a heart attack last month and my wonderful daughter in law is allergic to almost everything in the grocery store. They are strong. They take it one day at a time and it works well for them. As a mostly single mom, I had my doubts, but all in all I think I did ok! It helps to have family to lean on every now and then, too.
i am so sorry to hear about your son! as a mother, i can’t think of anything worse to deal with then thinking about hardships for my children, so i can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for you! so glad to hear he and his wife are handling it well. i’ll pray for a healthy 90 additional years for them! and, arlene, you’re right: you did great!