I am in awe of technology today, especially apps. My financial planner told me about an app that deposits money into the account of someone currently incarcerated. Not only do you fatten the jailbird’s wallet, you can send emails, chat with “video visitation” and give the gift of music. It’s called “JPay”. Cute, right? But that got me thinking about other apps that are, let’s say, odd.

Confession—A Roman Catholic App

I gotta tell you, this one excited me. Avoiding the confessional to confess my evil-doing directly to God was very appealing. Upon researching, I found that you still need a priest (sigh).

On the positive side:

• A password maintains the seal of confession.
• The 10 commandments and prayers are at your fingertips (in case you need a refresher).
• You can add your own sins if they’re not listed in the list of relevant sins, (using “OMG”?).

On the negative side:

• The app is $1.99
• Is this post irreverent and considered a sin?

Bowel Mover Lite

Bowel Mover Lite tracks your poop. Yep, you heard me right.   It’s like a poo log (oh, that’s funny). Your personal goal defaults to “sausage soft”. To reach this goal, the app tracks the number of bowel movements and the texture (I wonder if “milk duds” is a choice). It also lets you take photos and make notes (I’m not sure what kind of notes you would take). Finally, this app provides a graph so you can analyze your poo-poo habits like a financial planner analyzes the growth of mutual funds.

Free at the App Store.

Disclaimer: For those who experience digestive woes and would probably benefit from this app, my deepest apology.

Instant Buttons 

This app provides over 200 funny sounds many of which I don’t recognize. What is “Ya Tu Sabe”, “Wololo”or “Stelio Kontos”? No worries.  There are plenty of sounds we older people can use with aplomb:

• “Doorbell”: when a phone conversation drones on and on.
• “Censor Beep”: when anything offends.
• “Cookie Monster”: at the next potluck.
• “Crickets”: when an answer just isn’t coming.
• “Cuckoo”: self explanatory.
• “Hump Day”: every Wednesday.
• “Nailed It” at your next performance evaluation.
• “Pirate” use on “Talk Like a Pirate Day”.
• “Psycho” self explanatory.
• “Punch” again, self explanatory.
• “Shut Up” and another that’s self explanatory.
• Twilight Zone when things are just, well, weird.

I also enjoyed “Whip”, “Drama”, “Drumroll”, “Kiss”, “Looney Tunes”, “Nein”, “Ooooh”, “Rocky”, and “Tada”!

Annoy-A-Teen

That immature attitude of getting even with teens gets the royal treatment with this app. No more wasting energy singing and dancing in front of them (and worse, their friends). Take that already half-irritated teen to the fullest with a sound that drives them crazier, (while your older-than-dirt ears can’t hear a thing). Added bonus: you can go undercover and hide your phone in your pocket and they’ll never know what hit them!

Melon Meter

Stop wasting your money buying unripe melons! Using this app is easy. Place the microphone side of your phone on the melon, press the red button and thump like a heart on crack until the app indicates that you stop. It will then tell you if the melon is ready to eat. There are a couple of drawbacks. The app only works on medium and large melons (moan) and the cost is $1.99.

Sometime in the near future I plan on researching these apps:

• Hex My Ex
• Toothbrush Fitness
• Amazing Girlfriend Manager
• Gym Shamer (get in shape or get shamed)

Get any of these apps for your iPhone or iPad in the Apple App Store